Ramblings of a husband and father...

1.5M ratings
277k ratings

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

Grief

I wish I knew how to deal with mine.  Losing both parents in a little over a year…I just don’t know how to deal with it.  I feel a pressure inside of me that I don’t know how to release, that I don’t know if I want to release.  It’s affecting my work…I just have no focus.  No confidence that I can do what I need to do.  It’s affecting my sleep.  It’s bad enough that my meds cause me to wake up every few hours to take a leak but then I just can’t get back to sleep - my mind just won’t stop…feeling.  Grief.  Guilt.  Regret.  I should’ve been a better son.  There’s so much more I wish I knew about them.  Things I should’ve said.  Things I should’ve asked.  

I stopped taking my anti-depressants because I thought it was stopping my from feeling…Blocking my grief and emotions.  Now I’m not so sure.  I hate feeling this way…Or the lack there of.  And I don’t know how to explain it or talk it out.   Not with my family and certainly not with my wife.  

And there’s just so much sh!t going on in the country, in the world, that I just get more depressed about it all and feel…mine is just a drop in a vast ocean.  Insignificant.  I just don’t know what to do.

Tired.

Had a lousy summer.  Since April, actually.  Just…tired.  Exhausted.  Dealing with a mother-in-law who’s in declining health; especially mentally.  Trying to sell her house.  Getting it ready to sell.  Emptying it.  It’s taken all of the summer.  She kept *everything*.  In no understandable order.  And this summer has been so damn hot and humid.  Just tired of it all.  

And now the leaves are turning and the days are getting shorter and the bills are piling up and I’m just so sick and tired of it all.  Hmmph…Repeating myself. 

Until last night, hadn’t had much social interaction…And playing volleyball after not playing for a year and a half just made me feel very, very old and achy.  lol…ow.

I miss seeing people.  Certain people, that’s for sure.  I hope those certain people know how much I miss them and hope they’re doing OK and how often I think of them and how much I care about them…Even with all the crap I’ve been dealing with, they come to mind often, bringing a smile to my grizzled face.    

I thought it was over…

Nope.  Not yet.  I’m still addicted to the news…Can’t believe all the crap coming out of Fla this weekend - CPAC, really?  Sheesh!!!

In better news, I had some wonderful thoughts and dreams as I got to relax some this weekend.  A certain love from my past…It felt SO good to talk with her…Hear her voice…Even if it was only a dream.  Those smiling, beautiful eyes.  The slight frown as she made a self-deprecating joke.  The touch of her hand.  It left me with a big…smile…when I woke up.  Made me remember so much!  Miss SO much.  The taste of her…The feel of her…Good God!  It’s been SO long since I’ve really heard her voice or seen a pic…The dream (and the thoughts thereafter) just left me…feeling…just a lot of love and nostalgia.  I wish her well…I wish her the best…And I wish, wish, wish I could actually see and talk to her.

Numb…

…To all of the news…So little good news.

And to top it off I just miss a certain someone…Sometimes I wish I could just drive/bike/walk past her house or something and just catch a glimpse of her.  Pathetic, I am…I know.  

I keep avoiding tumblr cause I feel like I whine too much…But; it’s an outlet for me even if all I do is whine.  :/  Maybe I should just up my meds.  

Fall is pretty much here…Winter is coming.  That most dreaded of all is almost here…Elections.  More wine…Less TV ads.  

OK…Better sign off before I really get maudlin and morose…Be safe…Those in the West/Northwest…Those in the gulf…